To be honest, I'm not sure if this is ever going to come together or not, but I haven't been able to shake it.
Peggy
Penitence
Protein rich, salty, imperative,
easing forth through the slit
bite deep into the need
to deny these changes.
I cower from the word,
from the taste of it,
taught not to be indulged,
beaten from my entertainment
with thick, wooden rule.
No, I cannot be conjuring
this word and you?
I beg forgiveness, knowing
this burning, rising
can separate me from
more than I can afford,
more than the worth
of this sedulous forbearance,
more then never being free.
I lick this bloody sin
from the moment,
purse my lips and then
snap back into obedience
and you.
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7 comments:
Peggy the first stanza is a mouthfull -- Maybe ease the writer a bit first -
A little adjustment.
Penitence
I cower from the word,
from the taste of it,
taught not to be indulged,
beaten from my entertainment
with thick, wooden rule.
I cannot be conjuring
this word and you?
I beg forgiveness, knowing
this burning, rising
can separate me from
more than I can afford,
more than the worth
of this sedulous
social forbearance,
more then never being free.
I lick this bloody sin
from the moment,
purse my lips and then
snap back into obedience
and you.
I think this is smoother.
d.
Beaten from my entertainment,
taught not to be indulged,
I cower from the taste of the word,
protein rich,salty,imperative,
easing forth through the slit,
bite deep into the need
to deny these changes.
No,I can not be conjuring
this word and you?
I beg forgiveness,knowing
this burning and rising
can separate me from
more than I can afford...
THE REST OF YOUR POEM IS GOOD THE WAY IT IS.MY HUMBLE OPINION OF COURSE.
Didi,
Thanks. I hope so. I'll continue to work with it.
RC,
Your rearrangement worked better also. Almost tempts me to try to salvage some of the fat I cut, but...
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Peggy
I think this piece could be cropped even more, and be more powerful. It seems over modified and a bit verbose to me. The final strophe is my favorite by far at this point. I hope a brief line-by-line is OK?
Penitence
I cower from the [word,
from the] taste of (the word)[it],
taught not to be indulged,
beaten from my entertainment
with [thick,] wooden rule.
This would leave the opening with better flow, IMO
I cannot be conjuring
this word and you?
I beg forgiveness, knowing
this burning, rising
can separate me from
Call me old fashioned, but the over abundance of -ings here seems a bit much.
more than I can afford,
more than the worth
of this sedulous
social forbearance, Really like the alliteration here
more then never being free.
I lick this bloody sin
from the moment,
purse my lips and then
snap back into obedience
and you.
Erin,
IMO your points are well taken, thank you.
Peggy
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