Wednesday, June 08, 2005

canzon emits a muted driftwood cache

as if that certain piano pedal tamped the daylight out of eye reach
scoping a sequential subtlety near melody's impervium
a sacrosanct if withered sight relentlessly abandoning
thrown hooves in which the spotted inkling plays

listen to winds be without wood
whimmed charity imposed by the incisions of deliberation
unequal to a broth amid these
figurative bay leaves

canticles are rice spooned over lit wax
joie de vivre imposing an abrupt vibrato
taken apart in vectors parsed
for good as reservoir with chattel riffed across

the lines of code made sea
and articles of obfuscation
tinted white and long and yarn a spun
industrium so spats lose glut and flutter


ejjobrien said...

Well, this sounds sorta like something I would write, so I'll take a stab at it.

The title is wonderful. The first line is terrific. After that, I don't feel a theme or a connection beneath all of the odd images.

I do like these moments:

listen to winds be without wood
canticles are rice spooned over lit wax
spats lose glut and flutter

These lines are 'concrete'. Though they are not clear and precise imagery (which I feel is way overrated anyway), they do enable me to come up with a mental picture of something.

The rest of this sounds amateurish, what with the forced alliteration, gerunds, the abstractions, the imprecise adverbs, and lack of continuity to what has already come or will come.

This piece also presents no music to my ear and the following phrases say absolutely nothing to me:

"articles of obfuscation" - say what?
"scoping a sequential sublety" - huh?
"sacrosanct if withered sight relentlessly abandoning"- jayzeus
"charity imposed by the incisions of deliberation"- holy hell

I would be willing to review a rewrite of this piece if you could develop a theme and be 'concrete' in your lunacy. :)

If you need some reference material on what exactly would constitute "concreteness", I'd be happy to provide some. But, for starters, try to figure out why I said I liked the parts I liked- they used words that related something to me that I could smell, touch, hear, see or taste.

And, a standard disclaimer:

No need to write a sterling defense of your piece. I won't read it and if I did, I'd probably just say "BS". You've got my honest opinion. I doubt it will change.

It takes a special mind to go to the places you are willing to go. It takes an even more special mind to take us, the reader, there with you. You gonna take that next step?

Sheila Murphy said...

Thanks for your careful reading of this piece. I shall look over what you have shared! I really appreciate your interest.