Coyly tucked beneath a virginal
sheet--electroshock therapy on wheels.
Convenient.
Comes right to you.
Pizza delivery techno in
the mental death ward.
Other candles zapped, one by one,
it's my go round at the party.
Forgotten memories smother the room,
then burst through a shuttered window.
A woman kneels to the walkway weeping;
she sees an ashen man on a graveyard bed,
leftover pills, stardust, around him,
that note bequeathing me
his Marilyn books still curled
in the crotch of his battered Royal.
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6 comments:
this is amazing
all of it, really
thanks
deirdre
pretty terrific, i agree
the only lined a balked at, slightly, was this one:
she sees an ashen man on a graveyard bed,
i keep wanting to read that as 'ash man'
maybe it's the syllable thing, i dunno.
anyway, a minor nit. the rest reads flawlessly.
--D
Oh I like ashen man
slows one down
Coyly tucked beneath a virginal
sheet--electroshock
arrives on wheels. Convenient.
Comes right to you.
Pizza delivery techno in the mental
death ward. Other candles zapped,
one by one, it's my go round
at the party. Forgotten memories
smother
the room, then burst through a shuttered
window. A woman kneels to the walkway
weeping; she sees an ashen man on a graveyard
bed, leftover pills, stardust, around him,
that note bequeathing me his Marilyn books
still curled in the crotch of his battered Royal.
Hey, Pris,
I like, I like. I tried to get in to couplets--but this stupid little text box won't let me. (sigh) I was merely trying to suggest you play with the formatting---coupleting the poem might create some interesting hiccups and pauses.
I almost suggested that ashen follow man: "she sees a man, ashen, on a graveyard..."
I love the crotch of that battered Royal. That's good.
lk
Thanks, all of you for comments and ideas. The ashen works better for me since it both describes his color and I do like the ring of the extra syllable. Laurel, thanks so much for playing with the structure. I'll let the poem sit a couple of days and see if anything emerges from that. I initially wrote it with more breaks and the ones I tried didn't work for me. And Carter, I'm glad to see you here. You got a blog ID, I see.
oh god, Jack...promise I'll protect you if Jenn and you get too scared. no more scarey poems until....ummmm..let me think
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