Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Fighter Pilots

We could be
          fighter pilots

he says to me

          as we stand by the
                    chain link fence,

where we meet
          to cover the roles

                    we will play
while on recess.

          In Arabia,
                    sand erupts

into the air
          like lava

                    and ash
as bombs

          plunge from
                    paper fighter planes.


LKD said...

I like this alot, Brian. Do you play with formatting much? I don't....and probably should, as I tend to write in very tight stanzas or couplets or as above, blobs of text....so I'm not sure I'm the best person to be doling out this kind of advice but...I think this poem would be swell as hell if it was scattered across the page, if you know what I mean.

Too, I think it'd pack more punch with a different title. Have you got one in you? Just my humble opinion but the repetition of fighter pilots in title and body of poem robs the phrase of its impact a little bit.

Despite my quibbles, I like the poem alot and always look forward to reading your work, sir. (so geez, ignore my blather if you think I'm wrong or crazy -- I tend to believe that every poet knows what any given poem they write wants regardless of anyone else's yelling and flailing) (smile)


Brian Boutwell said...

Thank you!! Laural.

I have a particular way I line break certain poems, it varies accordingly. I made the spaces a little longer if that helps to spread it out more, as it is, it is set in a pattern I want to keep it in.

As far as a new title.... I could change it, just need to come up with one. You're more than likely right.

Thank you again for your kind words!

RC said...

I like this poem,too,Brian.But in my mind the start of the poem,
"We could be fighter pilots" weakens the ending of the poem
"paper fighter planes". Or perhaps I'm just one of those people who relies too much on the "sound" of the poem.Nonetheless I really like the poem.The displacement of this taking place in Arabia is good especially since our minds will be focused moreso on Iraq or Lebanon.

Brian Boutwell said...

Thanks RC!

I'm not honestly sure if it could be avoided, but "fighter pilots" and "paper fighter planes" are cooperative, so maybe it works.


Thanks again, RC, for reading and commenting.