We could be
fighter pilots
today,
he says to me
as we stand by the
chain link fence,
where we meet
to cover the roles
we will play
while on recess.
In Arabia,
sand erupts
into the air
like lava
and ash
as bombs
plunge from
paper fighter planes.
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4 comments:
I like this alot, Brian. Do you play with formatting much? I don't....and probably should, as I tend to write in very tight stanzas or couplets or as above, blobs of text....so I'm not sure I'm the best person to be doling out this kind of advice but...I think this poem would be swell as hell if it was scattered across the page, if you know what I mean.
Too, I think it'd pack more punch with a different title. Have you got one in you? Just my humble opinion but the repetition of fighter pilots in title and body of poem robs the phrase of its impact a little bit.
Despite my quibbles, I like the poem alot and always look forward to reading your work, sir. (so geez, ignore my blather if you think I'm wrong or crazy -- I tend to believe that every poet knows what any given poem they write wants regardless of anyone else's yelling and flailing) (smile)
lk
Thank you!! Laural.
I have a particular way I line break certain poems, it varies accordingly. I made the spaces a little longer if that helps to spread it out more, as it is, it is set in a pattern I want to keep it in.
As far as a new title.... I could change it, just need to come up with one. You're more than likely right.
Thank you again for your kind words!
I like this poem,too,Brian.But in my mind the start of the poem,
"We could be fighter pilots" weakens the ending of the poem
"paper fighter planes". Or perhaps I'm just one of those people who relies too much on the "sound" of the poem.Nonetheless I really like the poem.The displacement of this taking place in Arabia is good especially since our minds will be focused moreso on Iraq or Lebanon.
Thanks RC!
I'm not honestly sure if it could be avoided, but "fighter pilots" and "paper fighter planes" are cooperative, so maybe it works.
Exactly.
Thanks again, RC, for reading and commenting.
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